Cast of Characters

Since I want to talk to you people like you more or less live inside my head, it’ll probably be helpful if I identify some recurring characters. In alphabetical order…

• Aaron. Lives in Colorado. He’s my “person,” interpret that however you’d like. We’ve been close for ten years, give or take, and our relationship isn’t exactly platonic. Other than that, it gets kind of complicated and difficult to explain. If he knew his name was first on the list, his ego would swell to unreasonable proportions, even though it starts with two As and therefore guarantees him the top spot in most alphabetical lists.
• Alex. One of my favorite coworkers. Approximately 50% of the people I work with have asked if we’re secretly dating. We’re not. He knows way too much about me to find me attractive. He and Katie, however…
• Caroline.  Also a Best Buyer and one of my main drinking buddies.  Likes to sleep a little too much, but can usually pull herself out of bed to have sushi with me on Fridays.
• Crazy Teachers. From October 2006 to January 2008, I managed to date 4 current or former high school teachers (no, none of them were ever MY teacher), all with varying levels of psychosis that manifested itself in different ways. All were basically harmless, and I got a lot of good stories out of them. I rarely refer to them by their real names:
• Crazy Teacher #1. Blake. A nice guy, a healthy relationship, but very easily distracted by video games on Valentine’s Day.
• Crazy Teacher #2. Drew. I was drunk (and maybe a little stoned…shhh…) and, oops, made out (or, more accurately, sucked face) with him the first night I met him in Mikey’s kitchen. In front of more or less everyone I worked with at the time. Because I do awkward things. As it turned out, I actually did like him quite a bit, but he was crazypants.
• Crazy Teacher #3. …Brandon. Damn, almost forgot that one’s name. Rebound from CT#2, kind of a douche, but I was kind of a douche to him, so I can’t really blame him. You get what you give, folks.
• Crazy Teacher #4. Cris. More commonly known as Latin Lover. I have lots of nice things to say about his ass. And other parts of him. But he has a large collection of knives and other sharp, stabby objects (I wonder what Freud would say?) and might be a sociopath. So.
• Downie. My coworker for a few years now, and we’ve gotten to be friends recently.  We had had our ups and downs previously.
• Katie. My long-suffering roommate and the Ethel to my Lucy. Does a respectable job of putting up with my shenanigans and keeping a running mental list of the guys I’ve dated. If I had no Katie, I would go crazy.  Just ask Aaron how often I call him when she’s out of town.
• Latin Lover – please see Crazy Teacher #4.
• Mikey. My boss and close friend. We fight like an old married couple. He (and his friends Isaias and Patty) helped introduce me to alcohol, and for that, I am forever indebted.
• Rachel.  My j-school buddy and partner in awesomeness.
• Tahmia.  Also a coworker.  Happens to be absolutely fucking hilarious.  Thinks Caroline and I are whores for going downtown so much.